theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
