I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
