i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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