i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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