Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
