They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
