I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
