By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
