i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
