when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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