Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
