Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
