Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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