Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
