Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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