Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
