hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
