i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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