I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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