lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We need to rekindle our bromance
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
