if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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