Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize