I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
