I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
