if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
