took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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