somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
