I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
