Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize