you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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