sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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