Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
