So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
