who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
