i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
