I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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