Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
