My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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