i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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