wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Randomize
