he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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