phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
