wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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