We're like a lot better than the average bears
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
