can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
