he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
