ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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