my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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