so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
