if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
