life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
