Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
