I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
