found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
