he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Randomize
